Swallowing the Gum

Seventy-three miles from Mexico City, at 3:12:34 AM and at 88 miles per hour, Tom’s wife woke up and told him she needed him to stop the car — quickly. Tom pulled over to a patch of trees barely visible in the headlights and said, “Watch out for sidewinders.”  Juanita waved over her shoulder, hurrying off into the darkness.

Their friend Donny, who was still awake, grunted from the back seat.  Tom turned to look at him and could hardly see anything beyond the reflection of the dashboard lights in his glasses.

“Want to hear a joke?” Tom asked him.

“Um,” Donny said.  “No.”

“There was this guy and this girl…” Tom said.  It was after three in the morning and they were in the middle of nowhere — Donny was going to listen to Tom’ s joke whether he liked it or not.

Donny sighed and said, “Yeah, okay.”

“They were making-out, you see,” Tom told him.

“Of course,” Donny replied.

“Kissing, heavy petting, their tongues passionately intertwined—“

“Frenching,” Donny said.

“Yeah.  Totally.  Their faces were melting together, their hands spasmodically groping each other’s bodies.”

Donny grunted.

“Their hair intermeshed,” Tom said, “their limbs writhed together like mating worms.“

“How romantic.”

“Their hearts were beating in unison, the blood pulsing together in a rushing torrent, crashing through their veins like synchronized waves on two sides of one island…” Tom trailed off, leaving it hanging.

“And?” Donny finally said.

“And suddenly, the girl tears herself away, ripping her lips from his, looking up at him with wide blue eyes.  And she says, ‘I think I just swallowed your gum.’  He shakes his head and replies, ‘No, I just cleared my throat.’”  Tom snickered and waited for his friend’s peals of laughter.

“And?” Donny said.

“What do you mean, ‘And?’”

“What’s the punch line?” he asked.

“I just said it!”

“That’s all there is?”

“You jackass,” Tom said.  Donny was doing this on purpose.

“I guess it’s your timing,” he told Tom.  “You’re just not … talented.”

“How about if I just punch you in the face?”

“What?”

“You heard me!”

“I don’t get it,” Donny said.

“What do you mean, you don’t get it?”

“You’re just not funny,” he told Tom.  “Accept it.”

Tom’s wife, Juanita, reappeared from the void and climbed into the car.  “Okay,” she said, then gave her husband a kiss on his frowning cheek.  As Tom slapped at the gearshift and pulled the car back onto the deserted road, Donny leaned forward between them and said to Juanita:  “You want to hear a joke?”

“Sure,” she said.

“A boy and a girl were making out.  She stops and says, ‘Hey, like I think I swallowed your gum.’  He shakes his head and says, ‘No, you swallowed a wad of my snot.’”

Juanita burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Tom broke down and cried.